Freedom Train

The Toy Train From Sears and years of resentment

My mom married a man who worked in the media, a news paper composer, so his work was nearly always overnight through out the entirety of their marriage.  She had pretty much grown-up having the bed to herself.  He would come home early in the morning, go into sleep and that was when her day often began.  Cleaning, cooking breakfasts for the kids, pushing the kids off to school.

He would sleep until around four pm, get up and eat, then sit down and read a book.  We kids were not allowed to disturb him during this time. This time between sleep and work was his personal time, and mom made sure to defend it for him. It also meant that the only interaction the kids received from him the majority of time would be if we had gotten in trouble at school or afterschool.  On those days, mom would threaten us with, "You're dad is going to have a talk with you when he gets home" or something similar. 

It's ironic, because on those days when dad came home from work, he'd come in and mom would tell him her narrative of the situation, she'd tell him to handle it, he'd pull off his leather belt and slap it down our butts.

When not reading a book, getting the disciplinary job, his focus was on his wife.  The only other time it seemed his attention were on his children was the rare occasions mom needed a mini-vacation. She would go visit her best friend in Ontario for the day, sometimes over the weekend and that is when he would suddenly want our attention, want to know what we were doing, ask about school, and want to hang out.  Unfortunate for both he and I, I began to notice the pattern and began resenting him for only wanting to spend time with us when his wife was unavailable. 

That resentment grew over time, each time it happened and the years faded away. It wasn't something I believed I could discuss with him, he was a sensitive man, I didn't want to hurt him, I feared he wouldn't be able to handle it.

It's very possible, that I had him wrong, perhaps if I had mentioned it he would of changed. I never tried that I can remember. I might have at least once. When we were much younger, we could at least expect some dad time on the fourth of July, for a few years.  He'd bring home some sparklers and snakes and we'd light them off on the front porch or sidewalk.  But even that ended. Maybe because he resented us for not being available on those rare weekends or times when mom would run off to see her girl buddy and he had to spend time on his own.

Even while writing this, its a sad reflection on the state of white collar family life, especially in our family. I desired a relationship with him my whole life, but I never knew him until the last two years of his life, after his wife passed away and he was dependent on his children to care for him, bath him, feed him, clean the house, do all the things his wife had done for him.

Even then, I did it is a gift to him, a deliberate choice and decision to put aside the overwhelming resent within me to care for him, to sit next to him during the day for hours at a time, or until I couldn't stand it anymore, listening to him repeat war stories and childhood stories he had never healed from or grew beyond.

His life adventure pretty much ended somewhere shortly after marrying my mom when his father passed away, his blind mother went into a rest home and his life became entirely about his wife, his job, maybe a little about his church.

Other than work friends, and church friends, he didn't have any other than my mom. His friends from mom and his early days were people he had met during the war. While he never saw any action, being drafted was a major life adventure that would take him to his only international travel, to Japan.

He often talked about Japan while growing up, singing old songs he had heard during the war. They brought him joy, and he would sing them while the family was on a road trip or summer vacation.

We'd all yell and complain, he loved the attention, we actually enjoyed it to, but as kids we were like most kids and they were not songs we could join along in, they were in Japanese. So we would shut him down.

It's difficult to know how or when or even what shifted from when we were kids who he enjoyed coming home to, to him coming home and not being available.  Was that something he created, or something mom created for him?  I will never know, what I do know is that after the shift occurred, I would have a bitter resentment and feeling of rejection towards him that grew and I battled against the rest of his life.

I do recall the moment when I think that light switch turned on inside of me and changed how I would respond going forward. Today, I would call it the time I put up my first "boundary".

I don't remember my age, probably 7 or 8 years old.  I had wanted a toy train set. My parents had previously bought my older sibling a high-end HO scale train set for Christmas and each year before Christmas my mom would encourage me to browse through the Sears Catalog which was essentially the Amazon of that era.

One year I asked my parents for my own train set. I had found a battery operated train in that fat Sears Catalog.  My mom told me it was really expensive so the only way I'd get it is if I didn't bother her, didn't complain to her, didn't whine about my older sibling, etc. I asked for it in January, so were talking a whole year in advance.  Even now I realize how unrealistic her request was going to be, but I said yes anyway.  I had no idea what was coming next. O.K. I knew what was coming, just didn't know how bad it would be.

To understand clearly, one must know that my older sibling came out of the womb as a bully.  Mom used to have to warn visitors that they might be bitten. Other children were bitten, adults were bitten, they even bit the dogs ear one time after it had bitten them and at this point in life, my sibling was known for harassing and bullying neighborhood kids. I was their experimental lab for testing out new methods of tormenting and this year would be no different.

I had been on my absolute best behavior for six months.  I remember clearly being in the back seat of the car parked in front of the house. It was a rare moment that my father, mother and I were in the car together. 

The road trip to wherever had just started out and I asked a question.  My mom apparently wanted that car time to be for she and my father.  She turned around out of the blue and threatened me, reminding me that the toy train I asked for was at stake. I questioned her threat at that moment, it was clearly a power-play.  

She upped the anti, telling me I only had six more months of being compliant and keeping my mouth shut, not asking questions, not bugging her, doing whatever I was told, etc. till I would get my train for Christmas, but if I didn't I wouldn't.

That moment pissed me off and impacted me more than any other moment up until that time.  She was manipulating me and showing off in front of my father who had been absent from all of the situations and events I had to hold my tongue from for the past six months. Dealing with harassment and victimization by my oldest sibling for the past six months, not an easy task.  Might have well of asked me to walk across the water in the swimming pool.

He turned around and chimed in repeating the threat my mom had just made, almost gleefully and perhaps even laughing a little.  

I was furious, my sibling had been riding me even more over those six months, I had done everything conceivable to avoid them. They would punch me, or pinch me, or find another way to be obnoxious to me, then run to our mom, tell her that I did it to them, then I would not only get punked by my sibling, but I'd also get punished.  I had reached my capacity and my father chiming into a situation I already felt he neglected to help defuse or manage or address in any meaningful way, was more than I could take. I felt betrayed.

I angrily sat back in the seat, shut my mouth and kept my mouth shut, and in my mind the deal was off, it was a bad deal from the beginning, I didn't care at that moment, and I felt that way the rest of the year. I started avoiding my mom too. Best way to not get in trouble is to not be around those who create or manifest the trouble.

Christmas finally came and I had mostly avoided any issues that could be used against me.  The couple of times my mom did remind me over those six months, I was already onto the game, I kept my mouth shut and didn't respond. Bullies are not made, they are bred, and she had bred my sibling, had I responded it would have given her license to team up with my sibling to bully me, they called it 'teasing", all bullies can it, 'teasing". I was learning their methods.

I didn't receive the train that Christmas, and mom told me maybe I would get it for my birthday in three weeks if I was good until then.  I no longer believed her or my dad. I had managed to "stay out of trouble" for 12 months. Twelve long arduous months. A deep sense of betrayal set in, resent, bitterness, disbelief. 

Forty-something years later after my parents passed and I was going through their files, I came across a lay-away receipt for the train.  They had put it on lay-away shortly after I had asked for it.

I think that is often the way things work with prayer and God the Father. Ask and it goes onto lay-away.

What I didn't realize till later is why my dad had been home that day, he had been laid off and was in between jobs.  The newspaper he worked for had made some cuts and he was now only working as a substitute as needed.  They must not have been able to pay the final lay-a-way statement before Christmas, or maybe they simply planned it that way since my birthday is so close to Christmas.

I will never know why it happened and it no longer matters now, anymore than it did that Christmas day, when my parents didn't keep their promise.

It caused deep resent in me, I felt utterly betrayed and deceived because I had been placed into a situation of manipulation and control, by both parents, but primarily my mother. With my father it was different, because unlike mom who was always around, good or bad, my father was off limits the majority of the time, so those times I had wanted to tell him about my day or what had happened at school as a kid, he did seem interested but then my mom would come and tell me to leave him alone, then he'd go back to reading his book. Maybe he was interested, maybe not, if he was, he wasn't interested enough to tell my mom to relax or to chill, few men are willing to go against their wife. Happy wife, happy life.  

He had only a few moments through life to break that cycle and establish himself as a hero, and he missed them in my life.  He nailed it a few times in my older siblings life story, but in my life it happened only once or twice during the last fifteen years of his life. Small gestures like giving me a little money I needed when my mom said no, meaningful, memorable, but the well of resentment was to deep by then to connect, there was an air of disconnection between us at that point.  It wouldn't have been difficult to have reversed that seed of resentment, but that never occurred. 

My birthday came three weeks later and I did get the train, it was broken.

I could see in their faces the excitement as I opened that present, I honestly believe their intentions were good, and when it turned out the train and track were damaged, I remember one of them jumping on the phone and calling Sears to see how long it would take to get a replacement. It would take a while, because that was a catalog item and not something stocked in their stores.

Though apologetic, promising they would return it to Sears and get me a new one, while also telling me I'd have to wait a few months because they were out of stock, my already bent heart just couldn't believe anymore. I'd say this was the first of many in my life and walk with God when faith failed.

Back in the times of lay-away, the product would be held in storage for the customer so it was available when they paid the final balance.  The train had been in Sears storage for over a year, plenty of time for it to get jostled and shifted and whatever it was that had pierced the box and damaged it to occur. 

My heart hardened that day, in fact all birthdays going forward were a time for lamenting and resentment. I no longer believed in my parents word. Whether it were circumstances of fate, bad decisions, or something else, didn't matter to me. I knew it was wrong, but I refused to allow myself to be hurt again, at least until the next time.

I told my parents I didn't want another train. They seemed concerned and guaranteed me that they would take care of it. At that point the train became something I despised, I hated it, it represented manipulation, control, broken faith, disappointment, resentment, the opposite of every story about faith I'd been taught about God the Father in Sunday school.  Additionally, the toy didn't really look much like the Sears catalog glamor shot, it looked cheap, it felt cheap, and cost quite a bit but was poorly made.

I do not recall how my parents ultimately attempted to resolve it. I do remember they returned it to Sears because I went with them.  I know they got their money back. It seems like they just bought me a few random toys or maybe clothes instead. 

The bible has lots of illustrative texts calling God, the Father.  The bible even compares God to a father whose child asks for bread, but receives a rock instead, and a snake instead of a staff.  That is perhaps the clearest comparative example, but as I have gone through my life.  As I have made decisions similar to when I was that child asking for a toy trainset, I've often had to "wait upon the Lord".  I've often asked in Faith and fifty years later not seen any results. Interestingly, it dawned upon me that the bible verse that says, "Wait upon the Lord, they shall renew their strength".  You would think it should say, "If you wait upon the Lord, you'll eventually receive what you asked for", nope it doesn't say that because that is not what the Bible is saying, despite pastors and leaders within churches quoting that as their go to bible verse to say to people who are discouraged. At least we got that, but it sure helps to know what the bible actually means and to whom things apply. 

As my father lay in a private home for hospice care, I stayed with him every night, all night long.  On this one particular night around 2AM I became super tired and went into their living room area to take a nap.  At 5 AM I awoke, went to check on my father and the nurse told me he had no blood pressure for a while. I held his hand as he took his last breaths and vacated humanity.  I know that sounds heartbreakingly sad and it was.

They say when a person is in a coma or unconscious they can still hear you, and I didn't want him to leave without knowing why I was distant growing up or what caused it.  Maybe those are not words you want to hear on your death bed, but it didn't matter. I needed to have peace, I didn't want to carry this junk another moment into my future.  I had spent the day before he passed talking with him. He of course was unresponsive, at least in part due to the drugs.  But It didn't matter.

I sat holding his hand and I explained to him much of what I have written.  It hadn't been something I was able to bring up or discuss with him in person and if you knew my father you would understand.  No matter how my story makes he seem, he was honestly a quiet man, very reserved, didn't talk a lot, didn't smile a lot, he reminisced about his childhood, his siblings and the war more than anything else.

He didn't have any stories about experiences with his family during camping trips, or the 4th of July, or things we did that were memorable to him. That was mom's job.

What did happen is I asked him to forgive me for the resentment I had allowed to grow within me towards him, I asked him to to forgive me for blowing him off for many years on those days his wife went to her friends and he reached out.  I didn't want to do that, I wanted his attention, but more than those I didn't want to be used or feel I was being used, so I put up a wall between us, I made my answers short and detached, I could not see or hear clearly during those moments, instead of seeing an opportunity they served salt into the deeps wounds of a boys wounded heart.

I felt sad when he asked because even then I fully realized he had no other real friends, people he wanted to hang out with or were available to hang out with him, he had my mother and his remaining siblings. He was reaching out to me, he had time available, but resentment was stronger than my desire to be accepted, to give him what he wanted most in that moment, my time, my attention.  What missed opportunities happened on those days.

Those were things I had to confess and repent of, both for him and even more for myself. So I walked my captive audience from the beginning until to the end. I know that though unconscious he may not have heard me, but I believe he did. That thought even caused me to pause for short periods as I spoke to him, wondering if it was even worth the effort.  It was only after I had apologized, repented but also told him I understood his situation and forgave him, that he felt ready to go, to let go.  He had gone through quite a battle for three months, and he longed to be with his siblings, parents and wife who had proceeded him.

I can say that more than once I felt a great depth of disappointment sitting by his side while he was still healthy and living at home, but talking about how much he wanted to join his brothers, sister and parents, they were all dead.  There I was sitting with him, giving up my pursuits and passion to keep him company, to listen to him, only to hear that a more enjoyable option than my presence was being dead.  He may not have intended that, he was letting his mind wander and muse, but for an adult man with years of resentment and feeling abandoned, it really sucked.

I am thankful for that moment during his last days, I took a chance to clear the air, to rid him and myself of the darkness. Since my father passed, his method of fathering still impacts my relationship with God the father.  It's difficult sometimes to not feel similar towards God, to feel like maybe God just isn't paying me enough attention, that maybe God is holding out on me.  

I listen to Joel Osteen's messages a lot, several family members and former friends have cut off communication or attacked me for that.  But Osteen's main messages are based on the scriptural promises of the bible. Verses about hope, provision, God's faithfulness, favor, etc.  I've needed to hear those promises over and over again, because they are opposite of what I was being taught in churches growing up.  I already accepted Jesus in to my heart and my Lord and savior, but I haven't seen a significant portion of the promises I believed God had made to me come to pass.

With the Bible comparing God to my earthly father, that doesn't compute very well for reasons I have already written about.  My father made promises in line with my mother that were broken, that went unfulfilled, and though there may be good excuses for it, it still impacts my faith.

I heard Joel Osteen talk about the relationship he and his father had, very different from anyone I have known personally who shared about their fathers. I want to trust God, I want to believe that everything he promises comes to pass, and in some settings I have, but they didn't leave me overwhelmingly confident that God is truly for me, or that His idea about "His plan for me", is something both God and I will agree is a good plan. Might not be the worse plan, but the bible doesn't call it the "best plan", just a "good plan".  That is probably just semantics but it is genuine regardless and as I age, though I have experienced the provision of God, my age creates conflict with what I perceived, believe or was taught are God's promises to me.

I understand that Joseph lost everything, was put in prison, was falsely accused before that promise he received about his life occurred.

I understand that Abraham had to wander the desert not knowing where he was going until God showed him the promised land much later, that he and Sarah were to old to have children, that they messed up when Sarah told Abraham to have sex with her slave to bear "them" children.

Then there is Moses. God promised Moses he would see the promised land, perhaps he did, perhaps it meant something different than what the English language suggests, maybe he had a pair of binoculars that allowed him to look into the promise land, but he did not get to enter it. Instead he died outside of it in the desert. Same for the generation that Moses led out of Egypt, only their children entered it and only after their parents passed away.

They did sin, they did disobey God, their children entered the land promised by God, they didn't.  I realize that God is God, and that pretty much settles any conceivable question, but it still bugs me that they did experience that promise and instead spent the rest of their lives wandering in the desert.  They may have "seen it" from a distance, but they did not enter it or personally inherit it, and that creates conflict in me.  It reminds me of the toy train, and things I have asked God for, asked God to do, at least believed I was believing for, that have not happened yet.  I can only say yet, because I am still alive as I write this. Some however become less and less likely each year.

If God rebukes us for doubt when asking us to believe when it comes to faith, how to I reconcile things when what I believed for in faith doesn't manifest.  Where do I find the "Dummies Guide to Faith" book?

I confess I do not know that answers. I spent 90% of my life trying to find out, trying to listen for God's voice, trying to comprehend the will of God's personal plan, the ROI has been abysmal. I was much happier and freer when I was young, before I had decided to follow Jesus. I was less of a target then, I didn't have mystical rules, regulations, obligations to uphold like churches placed on me, but it may also be because I was only five years old, all I had to do back then was play outside with my friend Greg and dream about Kindergarten. If this were a business I was trying to decide if it would succeed as an investment, I'd have to pass, it wouldn't be a great business plan, as a business person I have to determine if it has a good R.O.I, Return on Investment.

Following God ultimately is a good R.O.I at least based on what I have read in the bible and been taught in churches and bible university, but I haven't met a graduate or alumni so far who I can ask.  I'll have to graduate personally to ask an alumni for a reference, and by then it will all be finished, my story written.

 If you ask me the purpose of life, the meaning of life, my answer today is different than if you asked me when I was twenty-five. I didn't know then either, but at least I had what seemed like a view I could see.  That view consisted of goals and objectives, things the world, education and others informed me were needed, necessary, but now on the far side of the moon, none of those things made me happy, none of those pursuits gave my life value.  They may have paid my bills and debts, but I had to realize at some point that my education, my perceived skin color, where I grew up, who I had been indoctrinated by all informed my expectations.  I still didn't have the money needed to get the college training I hoped for, to buy a house, enough to give me confidence in the ability to care for a wife and a raise family.

What did King Solomon say, that wisest man to ever have lived?  Meaningless, Meaningless is what he concluded, all of this meaningless.  Only God can make it possible for a person to enjoy their life, their work, their pursuits, he concluded.

If this is so, why do I labor in vain to hand things off someday near, to someone else who didn't earn it. Why did my father.  He and his wife could have experienced life much more fully, but they held on to their wealth and passed it along.  It wasn't great wealth, it wasn't enormous wealth, but they did meet the biblical standard for leaving an inheritance for their children.

As I ponder and reflect on the lives of those who came before me, and upon my own, I think King Solomon again nailed it in Ecclesiastes 9, "time and chance" happen to us all and this is reflected by the apostle Paul when he summarized the decision process for marriage into, 1 Corinthians 7 "If you want to marry, then marry, you do not do wrong. If you don't want to marry, then do not marry, you do better".  Jesus told us, Mathew 6:34 "don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have it's own worries. Each day will have enough worries of it's own". Galatians 5:1, Paul also told us, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

In 1 Corinthians 9:19 Paul said, " Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible."  V 24 to 27 

24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."


1 Corinthians 10: 6-13

6 Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. 7 Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.” 8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. 9 We should not test Christ, as some of them did—and were killed by snakes. 10 And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.

11 These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. 12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

V 31
Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 32 Give no offense, either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God, 33 just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.

It unfortunate that the Bible isn't as concise and to the point in all things, instead we have to pop around its different books to the summaries of the saints that were before us, to try and create an applicable life vision. 2 Timothy 2:15 tells us to: Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that is unashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Maybe, you too have been indoctrinated, manipulated and groomed by multiple systems that are not God's systems or way to understand, they conflict with each other.  What if I had felt freedom to have shared the brokenness in my heart with my father when I was younger, perhaps that would of killed the resentment, perhaps he would have apologized, or maybe he would have explained what was happening in his life that created the delay in giving me that toy train.

But Paul, Jesus, Solomon dispute that message, dispute that threat, dispute being a slave or hostage to anyone else, dispute the educational system that preferences one over another, disputes the intimidation and bullying of a sibling, dispute unfairness.  These great witnesses tell me I never owned that resentment, that trouble, that disappointment. It did come to me, I let it in, it stayed for decades, it tainted everything it touched and it lurks everywhere for a new opportunity, but these Great Witnesses tell me it does not belong to me, I don't have to host it, I don't have to feed it, I can reject it.

If these Great Witnesses are telling me my answer isn't going to be found here on earth looking for it, doing things to find validation, compromising by letting others manipulate, control, circumvent, redirect my steps, then heck I choose freedom.  My freedom in Salvation is secure, and that settles it.

 If a pastor or leader in a church helps build upon that freedom which releases me, gives me joy, gives me permission to decide to pursue anything that Paul is talking about, then that is a great thing.  In my experience however, pastors and leaders within many churches are merely reinforcing a message of slavery and control.  They'll preach we are free, but then establish bondage with rules or statements intended to keep me from visiting other churches for "your own protection", did God somehow lose the ability to guide my steps when I trust and acknowledge him? Proverbs 3:5-7

Most of the "promises of God" that have controlled my destiny, that held me a slave were not to me, not for me, they were to someone else, in a specific time and place.  If you have freedom, you are creating as you move forward, and God is creating new and specific promises in your own life.  Like the people of Israel and Moses, disobedience within that freedom has consequences, including aborting what was promised.  That doesn't make God a liar.

My parents promise was conditional, the rules were vague allowing for manipulation, control, to be perceived as a threat, but still a promise.  I didn't receive a copy to read of the fine-print of the contract, and that happens in the bible also.

The bible has lots of general promises, then there are those that I perceive as promises individually for me from God, yet they're conditional and to understand the fine-print I have to scour multiple books of the bibles, review past promises and their conditions, if I want to have any chance to understand it.  

How many Israelites would have left Egypt under Moses if they had received the fine print that said, "well you're going to reach the border, but if you do any of these things then you'll die at the border?

Even after leaving Egypt while wandering around the desert forty years following "the cloud", people were complaining, regretting leaving Egypt where they were slaves. 

People often talk about the "age of innocence". The age that a person becomes accountable for knowing Jesus as their savior or not knowing. The age of recognizing God in the details and clearly designed by intentionality in all perceived things from a grain of sand or a blackhole in space.  That is the age we realize that something beyond us is in play.  It is at that point that it is said, a person becomes accountable for the inherited sins of their linage. If they die before the age of accountability then they go to Heaven and the book of Revelation talks about a moment after the return of Christ that these individuals will be given a chance to chose for themselves. Otherwise, a person who dies after that age of accountability is separated from God.

I mention this, because if we sum up the meaning and purpose of life, then it can be narrowed down into the following.

1. The meaning of life is to pursue God.  Apostle Paul said this.

2. That resentment, that disappointment, it comes from a selfish place, Paul tells us to pursue loving others in hope of their being drawn to Christ, opposite of pursuing things or people or approval.

3. Do whatever you want to do, that is your freedom despite the indoctrination you received from your family, friends, education, government, church in attempts to force your to conform to their whim.  

Ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no activity, planning, knowledge, or wisdom in the grave.

4. Stop worrying. Resentment, fear and all kinds of other ugly things come from worry. We worry that were not being treated fairly, we were that we are not going to get what was promised, we worry that we are missing out, we worry that nothing good will happen.  Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow, today has enough of its own trouble.

I am thankful for the dad I was born to. His personality, his choices, his fears that locked him into the things that held him, many resulted from his father and family. He grew up in an age when affection between father and son wasn't necessarily expected.  His father was a "hard man" as my father recalled him.  He was a stern man from the farmlands of Missouri, son of an immigrant and native American Indian.  A "man's made man".

That said, I do not want to be my grandfather nor father, I do not want to be controlled by the things or people or institutions that controlled them or governed their decisions and choices. I want to know that freedom that the Apostle Paul talked about. 

If God has something different for us than where our decisions and freedom of choice, free will is taking us, will God not intervene?  Will God remain silent? of course not.  God will shut doors, windows, emergency exits, tunnels and anything else required give a navigational course correction. We can also chose slavery, we're born into spiritual slavery. That slavery will always resist freedom and others who may have had their chains broken may still be slaves.  My slavery perpetuated by a plastic toy train from a Sears catalog for over forty years. What owns you?