What I really need, is a really good friend

 I need a friend, more than I need a date.

I already felt stretched by the thought of entering into a dating or similar relationship with someone because I am dealing with the loss of both of my parents within three years, settling their estate and selling their home that my brother and I lived in. The idea of a romantic relationship logically seems like a bad idea.  

My experience with dating and romances historically introduced a lot of chaos, confusion, and unneeded obligations into my life, trying to guess what a woman wanted, my focus shifting on to her from where my focus needed to be which was establishing myself financially, and employment or education, etc.

The most recent official girlfriend I had twelve years ago came on really strong over the phone, I met her through Facebook, she began telling me she thought she loved me, before we had even met in person.  I asked her once, "How can you be falling in love with me, when you haven't even met me in person".  She replied, "I can just tell from talking with you".   She was falling in love with the imaginary person she wanted to fall in love with.  

We met, got together within three weeks as boyfriend and girlfriend and she became possessive, wanting to know where I was, who I was with, etc.  

I was in film school at the time, and was heavily focused on projects that had to be developed and executed on extremely short notice, usually with a group of people I didn't know, hadn't worked with before and whom I was dependent on.

She started text messaging me wanting a lot, calling, wanting to talk to me while she was at work.  That was until later when she began lying to me and telling me there had been a crack down at her work about personal calls. She was a bad liar, because she began accidently talking about other friends and people she had talked to during the day at work. 

This woman had been previously married, twice before, and I later found out after being in the relationship with her that she wasn't even finalized on her second divorce. He had walked out on her for another woman.  I asked her a few times why, and she claimed to be utterly innocent, ignorant and clueless.  But she told me a story about having been in a band, and she and the drummer had began having what I would call an emotional relationships.  She swore they never had sex or got together physically, but based on her telling me that she was falling in love with me over the phone before she had met me in person, it's not hard to imagine how deeply emotionally involved she may have gotten with that man. And before we ultimately broke up for the last time, I realized she must have withdrawn from her husband and been more like living with a sister who you don't get along with.  I may be wrong, but so much of what I observed seemed to fill in a lot of gaps.  

She broke up with me a few weeks into the relationship, then got back together with me three more times, breaking up with me a total of four or five times.

All the meanwhile wanting me to spend all my free time with her on weekends and after film shoots.

Then near the end, things got weird. I had my final semester coming up and was trying to schedule it so I could see her.  But she suddenly had "other things she needed to do on those nights".  So I compromised and changed my scheduled classes to accommodate the days she told me she were free, which had been opposite of mine, and suddenly those days became her busy days.

The chaos and distraction this romance injected into my life impacted me for years after it was over and we only dated from May to December.

Before we broke up the final time, I'd been thinking of moving into her area so I could be closer.  I lived an hour away and was getting tired of having to drive to see her.  She refused to come my way to visit, and I remember one thing that really drove this difference home was when she had gotten sick and I went and took care of her, then a short time later I got sick and she couldn't be bothered.

So right now is an even more significant time of changes and decision, when this woman friend began strongly implying she wanted to go out, even get married. We've known each other twelve years, in fact I met her shortly after breaking up with the woman I had been dating.  I guess I should use the term friend loosely for her, because were friends in that we've stayed in contact a little for quite a few years, but we've only seen each other once in person during that time.  I've never been able to come up with a good reason to make a point of trying to connect with her in person.  She lives over an hour drive away, I can't think of anything other than having had a connection to the same church at one point and working at a non-profit organization over a few months as being in common.

She's into old cars, wants to have a ranch or a farm. That's honestly all I know about her.

I'd always been interested, but there are some Character flaws she hasn't matured in and very likely never will.  They are significant enough that they would possibly make me resentful over time, both in how she'd probably interact with me, but also and more so in how I've observed how she talks about and treats other.

She is a nice woman, but gets on her phone making videos complaining and judging other people, many of them women.  It would be really difficult to live with someone who is going to be looking at, judging and whining about other people. My observation is anyone who is willing to talk to you about someone else, is also talking about you to someone else.  It's just an ugly character, and I am experienced enough to know that it's something she hasn't addressed or ignores about herself, nothing I could help here change.  I can't make or expect anyone to change for me or because I am in a relationship with them.  If I am not who you wanted in the first place, then don't give me a glance.  Vice Versa.  Do not make me a tool or mode of transportation to help you obtain or get where you're going.  You won't be happy and I definitely won't be.

I have a few rules I try to go by out of experience and also learned in choices I made for myself.

1. Believe whoever and whatever a person shows you about themselves when you met them or are first getting to know them, is what you should expect even more from them in a relationship or friendship,  They are showing you the best version of themselves that they are comfortable showing anyone.  If you don't like what you're seeing, then you have no excuse if you pursue them for a friendship or relationship.

2. Anyone who is willing to lie to themselves will be willing to lie to you.  Whether it's about their own flaws, beliefs, or anything else. I learned this one from experience. There was a time in my life where I was the biggest liar I knew, and I was good at it.  Then one day I began to become aware of lies that I had been telling myself to believe, and I realized just that, I was willing to lie to others, but worse I was willing to lie to myself, so I decided to force myself to never lie to myself, and not lie to others.  Sometimes that meant just not saying anything at all when it came to other people.  Bragging is lying. I bragged about myself and things I was doing for many years and those were all lies, small lies, white lies, but lies and exaggerations.  Thirty Years later, I am a lot farther long in this area, but it has also taught me how to spot liars and catch people who are lying to me.

I make a strong effort to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even when I am skeptical or doubtful they are telling me the truth until they mess up and reveal it.

People who lie are really smart, they can manage complex narratives and stories for great lengths of time, but even the best liar will mess up if you actually listen to what they tell you, because something about the narrative or story will change, or a new replacement story will appear in it's place.  It's really just a matter of time and how focused that person is on hiding whatever it is they are lying about.

It doesn't mean you will ever know all the details or how deep it is, but you shouldn't need to. All you need to know is that they are lying to you, and themselves. 

If someone is willing to lie to you, they're also willing to cheat you, steal from you, use you, until they get caught.  Then they'll abandon you and move on usually.

So that is at the top of my list of character choices people choose for themself that I completely hate. I don't want to live with someone who is willing to lie to themselves or me.

3. This is something new and the actual reason of writing this at all.  I made the difficult decision to pull back and guard myself for a while from the social connection with this recent woman. While I was expressing among a few friends and family members that are in my circle on Facebook. I knew none or extremely few would be able to relate. None of them had been single as long as I have, none of them had spent as much time or money trying to prepare to be a husband, or a good father.  They met someone who was good enough and married them.  I wasn't waiting necessarily for "The One", but at age 57, I now feel I have put in enough wasted time and energy on this whole American concept of dating, that I don't want any part with it.

This particular woman is considerably younger than I am, she thinks like women did when I was that age, they dream about marrying, being swept off their feet, someone spending money, and time and meals and energy on them, but many don't know what they want.

This particular woman over recent years had suggested she'd like to go camping together, travel together, marry me if I moved somewhere and bought a house, etc.

It's been kind of fun or flattering, and enough for me to keep her connected as I moved on and off, from one Social Media to another.

Most recently, as I've been in a situation where I actually am going to have to either buy a house or rent an apartment as I sell my parents property to be divided with my brother, she suddenly became very engaged in posting comments about her vision.  She'd like to have a ranch or farm, raise cows for milk, have a garden, and a bunch of kids. She posted these to a Facebook photo I posted about a house I saw on Zillow that I thought was really interesting looking on the inside.  I didn't suggest I was going to buy it.  But her comment did make me ask her a few questions.

1. Have you ever lived on a ranch or farm before?  No.

2. Have you ever raised any cows or milked them?  No.

3. Have you ever had a large garden or self sustaining farm to produce your own food?  No.

4. Do you know how much land is require per cow to be able to graze?  No.

5. Have you ever raised chickens before? No.

6. Have you ever raised goats or sheep? No.

I asked her a few questions, because it sounded to me, like she has, "Big Girl Dreams", similar to other women who I dated who ended up wasting my time and energy, leaving me in Chaos and distraction after they left.   They told me they loved me, and once I repeated it back to them, they were on their way out within weeks.

She replied something similar to, "No, but I have a family member who has, and I'd be willing to learn."

Sound the alarm!  Red Flag Warning.  This reminds me of when I came back from being a missionary in Japan.  I strangely ran across my first girlfriend working at a Michaels as a flower arranger.   She took a break and we went next door to the cafeteria in a K-Mart store to have something to eat.  She asked me what I had been doing and I told her that I had been a missionary to Japan.  I didn't say I enjoyed it or wanted to go back, but she immediately replied something similar to "I could be a missionary wife to Japan", probably not those words but before her break ended and we went our own way, she had worked in her being able, interested or willing to go to Japan as a missionary with me at least three times.

I wasn't interested in returning to Japan or returning to her.

So I was honest in replying to this woman friend on Facebook, I don't have any interest or vision for running a farm of any size, raising and caring for animals, managing a sustainable garden or farm and I had just started to have serious questions about if it was time to completely give up and retire the idea of being a natural father, though I had many years being a surrogate father and mentor to hundreds of kid through the YMCA and as a God Father.

Before even responding I did some research to find out that for every single cow, you need 1 acre of land. Further research revealed a cow has to be kept pregnant every year to be able to keep giving milk.

I'm 57, she's in her 30's.  I'm thinking how much longer will I be around, my parents just passed away, she's thinking I'm running out of time to get married and pregnant.  

I have a niece close to her age. She has a 4 year old and a 6 year old.  She and her husband look beat, they spend all their focus and time on taking care of their kids while her husband and his brother try to make it big as online resellers.

Up until last year, I'd always hoped God would bring me a wife or at least point someone out to me, but those connections never came. I'd always thought I would be a husband and a father from as far back as age six.  I bragged all my life growing up, how I was going to be the first of my friends married and with kids, instead all my friends are married with kids.  Some of them are on their second, third or fourth marriages.

Last year however, I was watching my niece and nephew and how things were going in their marriage and raising their children and I realized, I don't have that kind of energy any more. I don't have the energy to wake up at night, all night caring for a crying baby or sick child, I spent my entire life so far trying to please other people, especially women.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to take children through to college, in my 80's and 90's if I am around that long.  I want to enjoy a few things for myself, they are not necessarily things that cost money, but I have a few dreams and things I'd like to try while I still have the health and time to do them.  

I lived my life trying to appease what I was taught God wanted of me, pastors and churches, parents, friends, employers, relatives and women. Usually with extremely low return, a lot of pressure and frustration, do I really want to have a child this late in life?

Maybe? I don't know. But I don't want it to be at the top of my to do list.  If I meet a stable woman who has good character qualities, committed, etc. Then possibly, but not just because someone feels like I am a good match because I am going to own a house and they believe I am a good man.

So back to the past few weeks.  Coming in to 2023 has been rough.  Rougher than I expected, and I'm someone who had gone through extreme challenges in the past, but this had just been a few rough weeks.

I posted on Facebook book about How I dislike Valentines Day more than any other holiday.  She replied "Lots of pressure".  I was going to just hold back, but I wrote out my reasons why. 

1. Statistically the Tuesday before valentine's day and two following weeks have the highest rate of break ups than any other time of the year, other than Christmas and Thanksgiving.  They even call it "Red Tuesday" because it's the day people break up on.

2. Like American dating as a whole, it's extremely one sided.  A man has to get over the fear of rejection to ask a woman out, then call her a lot, arrange to do things, pay for everything, etc. and Valentines Day is the worst of it all, its in February when it's cold, all the stores and food places are pushing it, its usually a tough month financially following Christmas and three birthdays, etc. Then the pressure and expectation of feeling obligated to come up with extravagant romantic plans to "Prove my love".

3. My first girlfriend broke up with me following Valentines Day too, right after I spent a lot of money I didn't have and let her use my credit card to buy some clothes for her new job at the Broadway.

I replied again on Facebook that I lived in Japan and in Japan it's a lot more balanced system.  On Valentines day, the woman gives the man a gift and takes him out.  On March 16th, he buys her a gift and takes her out.

Similarly, if a Japanese woman has interest in you, she'll follow you around. Want to hang out with you, take an interest in you.  Similar to how a guy will her in the U.S. 

I had a girlfriend in Japan once upon a time, and a lot of the time she paid for herself or even paid for me once in a while, though I paid more often, it just wasn't an issue like it is here in the U.S.

What do I have to show for all the money and time I wasted on women who just wanted to go out and have, a nice dinner neither of us could afford, without any real intention of anything beyond that?  It was and is hard enough to bring up the courage to ask a woman out and face rejection, that rejection reverberates in some of our minds for years afterward, especially those of us whose self-confidence and personal value were diminished over many years by malcontent family members. 

So this woman responded on Facebook saying,  a guy could rock her world by taking her to a Monster Truck Event and it didn't matter if it were on Valentines day or another day.

She didn't get it at all, or maybe she did.  

I was saying, I'm burned out on this game, and she was suggesting we could play the game on a different day, but it was all subjective on my paying and pursuing, doing the ritual.

She didn't get it. She wants to go out, she wants to have fun, she wants to be pursued, she wants to be in control of outcomes, she wants to "fall in love", get engaged, have a "dream wedding", and "dream family".  Some of those are worthy pursuits, but in my experience you can't get to know who someone is or whether they'll be your friend for life while dating or having a romantic motive driving you.  That's a fantasy narrative driving everything, unreal, a big disappointment in the making.  One day, you're going to wake up in the morning and realize you don't know that man or woman you married, they haven't been listening and understanding you the past seven years, you don't have a genuine connection with who they are, they with you.

I suddenly realized what I was saying for the first time . It was the same thing I had always been saying, but didn't know how to verbalize it.   I want a friend who I can depend on, I want a friend I can share myself with and be understood, I want a friend who is my equal, I want a friend who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

Don't get me wrong, I get as stimulated and excited by a woman with a great figure and attractive features as other men, but I've never heard of any man walking around with a seven year long erection.  I read that if you take Viagra and your erection lasts more than an hour or so, you're supposed to go to the hospital.  Not sure what they'll do at the hospital, maybe make you look at photos of ugly people and charge you $10,000?

It made more sense than any other time in my life, because behind the scenes, I had given her ample opportunities to engage me as a friend over quite a few years, to inquire, to participate in communicating, etc.  She would respond and then that would be the end of it, she'd vanish for a while, she didn't take interest, etc. 

There was a time I asked for a way to contact her off of Facebook, we've know each other for twelve years, her mom and I went to church together, she and I worked at a non-profit years ago, but all she'd give me was her business address, and for her cell phone she told me she only wanted to talk with text messages not on the phone.  Text messages was a deal-breaker for me, I hate text messages.  It's so easy to mis-read and take a text message the wrong way.  Many times they are so brief, the are missing a lot of context, so nothing happened with that.

Other then when my father passed away we texted back a couple of times.  But similar to most men, I seem to lack some of the communication skills and ability to carry conversations well.  So if someone doesn't respond, or vanishes then I

just move forward. I have no interest in chasing anyone, not a woman or even a friend. Anything worth having, is worth investing in, I'm a mutual investor, you put in a little, I put in a little, you put in more, I put in more.

She didn't become assertive about her desires until my parents passed away and she knew I was going to have to find a new place to live.  Suddenly she started liking all my posts, replying to some of them.

I tend to be somewhat transparent on Facebook, she never posts on Facebook and since she disengaged in messages rather quickly, the only things I know about her are the things she used to post, including those videos talking about other women, coworkers, etc.

She did force me to finally answer the question I've been asking myself and trying to figure out for many years though, which turns out to be the same thing my mentor told me when doing premarital counseling with myself and the former girlfriend I mentioned in the previous article.  He said, "Be friends first, get to know each other as friends, then if you decide you want to marry her, ask her to marry her and keep the engagement short. That is when you date. He suggested breaking up as girlfriend and boyfriend and just being friends.

It made no sense to me at all when he told me that, I've pondered what he said begrudgingly for twelve years.  He passed away a few months after we met with him so I wasn't able to go back and inquire more about it. 

The woman however was pretty happy to break up.  She once asked me while we were dating, before we ever met with him, what I would do if he told us to break up. I told her I didn't know, I'd have to think about it and know why he felt that way.   She never told me why she asked that question, she didn't know him personally, she only knew he was my mentor, and that he was a pastor at my church, also he was a prophetic person.

It was only a week or two later that she mentioned that she wanted to get into a band again, and that she had started talking with another a drummer about it on Craigslist. I don't know for certain, but I suspected that this was the same drummer she had previously been an the emotional psychological relationship with in the past.

Three months after she broke up with me, which was also three months after she actually ended up settling the divorce of her previous marriage (Something I didn't know going into the relationship with her, and wouldn't have done had I of known she were still married), she had a photo of her and this new man, the drummer, on her Facebook page.

What I personally need or at least desire is someone who I can trust, someone I can confide in and know they will give me their best advice and counsel, someone who wants to come along side of me, and me them, as a friend.  Get to know who I am, not who you fantasize me to be.

What I really need, is a really good friend.