Choosing A Wife

Proverbs 18:22

"He who finds a wife, finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD"

1 Corinthians 7:28

"So then, he who marries does right, but he who does not marry does better."

My mentor once told me something very different than I had been led to believe in the church all my life about dating and marriage. 

He said,  "People have freewill".

In some ways i guess i knew it,  but if been taught that for marriage we had to "find the one", that God would "bring the one" of i prayed, waited and believed enough", and well that never happened.  I am now 57. Still waiting.

He told me this after a woman I had been dating but had serious concerns about, had talked me into asking him to do premarital training with him. She knew that he had done that for me in 94 When i was engaged to a woman outside the U.S.

I honestly didn't want to, because she had already broken up with me four times that year, and I felt unsettled about things she didn't tell me up front when we were first talking, that would have shut things down if I had known.

I agreed however and we started meeting with my mentor and his wife. 

My mentor was the most accurate prophetic person I've ever known,  so i pretty much knew where this was going. 

Anything hidden would eventually come out one way or another.  

Either he'd expose it, or it would get exposed by being in connection to him. 

That is ultimately what happened,  and they junk that she ended up exposing about her self,  was ugly stuff. 

There is a lot that could be written about how it all came to pass, but I'm only writing this for my own introspection and not for anyone who might read this. 

That was thirteen years ago. 

There is a woman who is interested in me,  but i am no longer looking for the same things in a woman.  

I used to desperately want to be married.  I always thought it was part of God's will for my life as far back as six years old.  I also thought having children was too.

So i spent all my early life preparing with that as my objective. 

I read every Christian book on dating, sex, marriage I could find. 

I interviewed older since adults and married people, pastors and church leaders asking every question conceivable.

Oddly,  none of them brought up free will or freedom until my mentor in 2010.

Everyone else and all the books pushed the narrative of how Abraham sent out his servant to find his son Isaac a wife, his servant prayed and the Holy Spirit pointed him to the place and person.

I wasted so much time and money on dating women who never had any genuine intention or interest other than wanting to feel special by being asked out and getting to did something fun for free. 

Or those who wanted to feel in love for a while,  until things began moving toward a commitment. 

The western perspective is all I'd ever knew until 1992 When I was a missionary and met a woman in Japan. 

Here in America, the guy has to pursue, risk, plan and pay. All the risk and pressure being on the man.  All the risk is on the man, from dating to marriage. 

In Japan, i found things to be more mutual. If a woman liked a man,  she could show interest,  ask a man out, pay and treat  there wasn't this mentality that the man had to do everything.  It was more like what my mentor told me and others he counseled for marriage. 

Be friends,  don't date,  get to know each other before dating. 

Here in the west, is Valentines day,  when men are pressured to do things for a woman. 

In Japan, on Valentines day the woman treats the man.  Then on White day, March 16 the man treats the woman. 

It's a mutual respect in Japan. Opportunity for mutual appreciation.

It was easier to just be friends and have fun with a woman to get to know her without having to have the pressure of expectation that it should be part of romance and dating. 

I haven't experienced this here in the U.S. especially in churches. 

So there are two women who seem to want my attention,  very different. 

One is very assertive in pursuing me. I've known her for a long time and decided nineteen years ago I had no interest in her.  This woman didn't seem to take any observable interest until my parents passed away.

Lots of people have taken interest since my parents passed away. 

Old cousins I'd not heard from most of my life who had a reputation among our uncles for always asking for money.

Friends who need money. 

Two women, etc. 

People suddenly assume you received an inheritance and someone that makes it o.k. for them to ask you for some of it, or they assume that puts you in to a financially stable situation.

"Assume" is the important word,  because they don't know. 

The second woman I met when my former girlfriend first broke up with me.  

She and I have known each other since then,  we worked together briefly on a volunteer project. 

I mainly kept in touch with her on social media, and as i moved around online,  I invited her to those places too.

She never interacted with me much during those years,  but it gave me an opportunity to observe her character.

What I observed about her character, was not good.  

At the very basics of the type of woman I would want to marry, the character is missing.

She is very physically attractive and that is important.  But I have learned,  to believe whatever anyone shows me about who they are,  over anything they say about themselves. 

Anyone who lies to themselves will lie to you. 

It wasn't until my father passed away that she took any significant interests. 

Since then she's been quite bold in her interest even in front of friends and family.

The few times i had felt like i wanted to ask her out while my parents were still alive,  I kept feeling an uneasiness about it.

My last girlfriend experience taught me that i can't trust anything that seems "prophetic" about dating or marriage.  (Which is essentially what the church suggests, without using the word prophetic )

I learned that beauty becomes ugly very fast when the character of the woman is ugly.

I learned dating had never once given me a genuine view of a woman. 

I learned women are generally very selfish,  having been taught that somehow they deserve to be treated out, pursued, pampered, taken care of and have everything paid for, without having earned it.

I never assumed, nor have any male friends ever presumed or expected for either of is to pay the others way if we did anything together.  Yet woman assume to hang out or any attempt to be friends is a pursuit for a relationship on romance.

So, I am starting this blog as a place to be able to avoid Facebook where I have often posted my thoughts on dating and marriage. 

One woman I believe I have at this point hopefully made it clear I'm not interested.  I am must interested in hanging out with her as a friend or dating.  She is a friend who I sometimes see when I see other friends, but I simply did not enjoy being around her negativity, need to always be right even when she is wrong, desire to argue for the sake of arguing, etc.

This other woman who I've been observing her character I've concluded is also not who I am looking for.

She is young and cute and interested,  but she's bossy, makes videos gossiping about people,  and videos criticizing people publicly on Facebook and Instagram who are in her immediate friendships and family. 

I don't want to have to feel like I need to try and teach, train or correct the woman I marry.

That doesn't work.  

I don't want to be married to someone who wants to marry me because I'm available,  within their marriage timing target,  who figures they'll try and fix,  teach,  adjust or rework me afterwards into who or what they ultimately think they want. 

I don't want to do that to a woman either.

I want a wife who I am genuinely interested in.

Who has some compatible core interests. (Beyond just religious experiences or beliefs)

 A woman with a stable personality.

A woman with good or similar Character. I don't want to be grieved by a gossiping wife, or who judges people, who has a negative lens they look through, who hadn't spent any time growing,  maturing or developing Godly characters during their singleness.  

I've seen them in other peoples marriages and they were ugly qualities, all ended in divorce,  

Nagging their husband,   withholding sex when they didn't get their way,  cheating with coworkers or strangers. 

All of those are part of the culture of the church and world American dating system of men doing everything for a woman. 

I talked with both Christian men and non Christian men who have all said or agreed,  that this system that women are taught is like prostitution. 

Men paying for live,  sex or companionship from women,  not because they want to, but because they're held hostage to that system by women.  Whether it be dating,  engagement, marriage, or actual prostitution.

Its what makes it possible for women to make money online as video whore websites like "FansOnly", or the many rent a woman video services.

If that ultimately is the kind of dating there is,  or the kind of engagement or marriage being offered,  then i might as well save myself money and rent a woman as needed for the few minutes sex lasts.

This is what I've seen and experienced in the church and with Christian women over my 41 years of dating. Minus the sex. Which means its even a bigger rip off, cause its always a tease.

I as a Christian had dates with both Christian and non Christian women. 

The Christian men wanted a guy who had a college degree,  a plan for a career, had a car,  their own place, before they'd take a guy seriously. Only recall a single date and day with a Christian woman that I can honestly say was fun for me.  Fun for me,  because there were no expectations other than enjoying a day together. (She turned out to have mental issues and delusional.)

I have been on dates with non -Christian women in comparison and none of those dates felt pressured. The women were not pretentious. They were happy to go out with me whether I had a lot or nothing. I never felt like I was paying for an escort. Why has it always felt that way with Christian women?

One woman I took out on my moped. I can't remember where we went,  but it was one of the most memorable dates i had. I had fun,  she had fun and she have me a small kiss and hug at the end.

We only went out once,  but it was easy going. 

My second girlfriend was not a Christian when i met her.  Very similar to the girl i took on a moped date,  but eight years later.

She was very comfortable and easy going.  Sometimes she to me out, sometimes i took her out. We had enough in common to have some fun.  No obligations or expectations other than having some fun together. 

Then there have been the Christian women,  and I suspect I am as guilty of contributing as i am of receiving the whole tension and awkward experience, of expectation.

I know its possible to have women friendships with some women.

I became best friends with a co -worker for many years.  She ended up marrying and then cheating on and leaving her husband. 

She and her then boyfriend were not Christians when I met them.  They were when she cheated and left. 

I had another woman friend for many years who i met a month or so after things fully ended with my first girlfriend.  We never became romantically involved, partly because i was still trying to figure out all this stuff from a Christian perspective even back then. 

She ended up leaving the country.  I almost brought myself to propose to her when she were leaving, but I didn't have a college degree or have a vision for my life, other than wanting to be a husband and father.

I'd say two key things I have been looking for,  that I would probably married any of the women I've known, ended up being things I lacked in me,  that had been crushed in me as a child.

I was looking for a woman who would "believe in me".

Probably very similar to what a girlfriend once told me, "I'm looking for a man who will make me feel loved".

It's only very recently that I understand I don't need a woman to believe in me,  I only need to believe in who God created me to be. 

That is similar to what I had told that particular girlfriend.  I can't make anyone feel loved or whole about themselves.

I would be a miserable failure being responsible for making someone else feel loved inside about themselves.  That's not a mans responsibility. I don't know any men who deep inside feel loved and whole.

So I posted recently on Facebook about the difference between Valentines day and dating in the US, similar thoughts as I wrote here about mutuality in interest pursuit and expression, and their woman who is overtly interested responded completely oblivious.

She replied about bringing donuts to her employees on Valentines Day and how a man could make her world rock would be to take her to a Monster Truck Jam event. Saying, it would have to be on valentines day but could be on any day.

The original post she replied to was about the pressure of Valentines day. It was an article I shared of a news article that suggested the Tuesday before Valentines day has more breakup than almost any day of the year. As does the two weeks after.

What she interpreted my post comment to be saying is, "I don't like Valentines day", so she suggested how she'd be happy going out on a different day, and what she liked to do.

What I said in the comment and implied, is that I don't like Valentines day or American dating, because it places all the burden on men, financially and planning, etc.

At age 57, I've already lived half or more of my life as a single, sexless Christian man.

My expectation to be married and have children didn't happen, and not due to not trying. I tried very much.

My belief as taught by church leaders that "God will bring you the right person", didn't happen.

My belief that "waiting on God", didn't produce anything. 

The church has a higher divorce rate than the unchurched, so either the church is full of lying leaders, or God isn't involved in arranging marriages.

Only three men I knew of all the men i personally had known in 57 years of the church,  married American Christian women. The rest married foreign women. Not because they wanted a foreign wife,  but because they couldn't find women in churches who would even date them. 

Like myself,  they didn't met they church fairy tale expectations of women in the churches. 

Either their dress presentation,  education, economy, vision or their desire for a traditional role marriage were an up front deal breaker.

This is based on experience only here in Los Angeles, California.

Of those who married American women, one had to leave California to meet a wife, two divorced because their wife cheated and left.

After my last girlfriend, I asked my mentor, "I really believed, God had told me she was The One". Obviously she wasn't or i heard wrong, what does this mean. Was she not The One?".

He said, "there are many possible The Ones, not just one."

This was a very different idea than i'd ever heard in a church or from a trustworthy Christian before.

He explained it more and while it brought some relief, it also brought a feeling of disappointment and disillusionment about the time and years wasted on the idea that I was supposed to be in search of The One.

I wouldn't hadn't have wasted so much time and effort on each woman if I hadn't felt like i had to be certain they were not the one before closing that door.

The eagerness that the current acquaintance began promoting her interest only began after my father passed and I posted a couple of houses I waa dreaming of.

She posted, "When are we moving" It was a farm property i  Georgia with a house I posted because i thought it was interesting.

I responded, "I didn't realise you liked that kind of house."

She replied, that she wanted to have cows, chickens, grow her own vegetables and have lots of kids.

This is a woman who two years earlier when i was wanting to get to know more about her and had been thinking back then aboit giving her a valentines day gift, would only give me her work address even though knowing me for nine years. She have me her cell phone but told me she would only talk via text messages

 (Neither if which I pursued, due to the strange requirements)

So ends my first journaling of, "Beware of the snake"